The Bumpy Road Always Smooths Out

I have never in my life been able to say this until now, but I’m so proud of the person I have become. I’m sure there are people who despise me now but I will always believe thats because of their own issues, not mine. I have never in my life felt better about myself as I do now and I’ve been through hell the past few years but it was all worth it–because I appreciate it (life, my journey, happiness, where I am now) so much more than I would had my life been easy and problem-free. Everyone who struggles in life for whatever reason is openly aware of how much more positive the struggle allowed their life to be. The most wonderful change that I’ve made in myself is not caring what people think about me. That has always been an issue for me, more than it is for most people. I’m sure you’re thinking to yourself that there’s no way I don’t care what people think. It used to drive me crazy when I thought someone had bad feelings about me or didn’t like me, even if I didn’t know the reason. The way I see it now, and it feels so amazing to say this–I’m me, and I will always be me. Anyone who doesn’t accept me for me, isn’t worth having in my life. Furthermore, I realized that most of the time when people think negatively about another person, it’s because they are in some way jealous or envious of that person and they can’t handle it so they turn that into hatred.

I have struggled with feeling not only unaccepted by my mother and father but also judged–judged very harshly–my entire life; I spent a good percentage of my 20s trying to make them proud of me and it always seemed that I couldn’t make them as proud of me as I wanted and needed, but eventually it dawned on me that it was absurd to spend any amount of time worrying about that because I’m not a child anymore. I was a married woman with children putting way too much focus on my parents, and it really bothered my husband. I finally was able to see that it wasn’t me with the problem. I will always care what my Mom and Dad think of me to some extent, but I am really working hard on that. I accept myself, and what more can a person really hope for? In a comment on an earlier blog post, “The Mother-Daughter {Broken} Bond”, my father said some things which were very hurtful but the worst part was, the things he said weren’t true. (Check it out, my husband even came to my defense–the comments on that blog post were better than the post itself! It was like a Jerry Springer episode!) He was calling me a drug addict, and I only became an addict after an injury that caused me to be put on Norco then OxyContin (very interesting story, you can read it on my featured HubPages article at http://lulubelle7537.hubpages.com/hub/OxyContin-My-Story-Of-How-It-Almost-Destroyed-My-Life) so for my own father to throw my addiction in my face the way he did and accuse me of being on drugs still really hurt. I have always, all my life, gotten very worked up when people throw things in my face, especially when it’s something I’m ultra sensitive and personally insecure about. Why is it that people find it necessary to hurt people they claim to care about? A year ago, even six months ago–had I received the comments that I did on Sunday from one of my parents, I would have gotten extremely nasty in my reply. Not only wasn’t I nasty, but I chose not to reply at all. In fact, I almost deleted his comments, but I decided that would be wrong of me to censor his comment, even though it’s embarrassing I think it needed to stay up. What would replying do–really, what would happen if I replied and got nasty out of hurt and anger? Two things would have happened. First, I would have gotten more and more angry the more I typed, which ultimately would have caused me to say more than I intended. Then, even worse, he would have replied and gotten even more hurtful and hateful and I know him well enough to know that when he’s upset he will win every time…he’s had a lot more practice saying things he knows will hurt the most and who’s the real loser in that situation? ME..not him, not my Mom…ME…And I will have set myself up for it.

I used to hate myself, and I used to want to die. I literally used to lay in bed and pray that I would die in my sleep. How sad is that? I’m not sure why I was unhappy–it could have been my marriage, my interpersonal relationships, particularly the most destructive ones which were with my stepdaughters (who have always been a real source of discomfort and insecurity for me), the loss of my brother and two nephews, my former prescription painkiller abuse,

20130430-065703.jpg it could have been that I was very much haunted on every single day by the destructive relationship I had begun to have with both my mother and my father. I think it’s safe to say that my belief as to the specific reason why the relationship has permanently deteriorated is something to do with blame being placed on me regarding a failed family business from 2009, rather than just moving past it and placing value on the togetherness and unity of our family. I love my parents and my brother, but I have to move on with my life and let that part of my life, my family, and the huge part of my heart they occupy, go. It kills me because the love I have for all of them more than I can even describe, but at the same time it’s one of those situations were you know that the relationship will never, ever be the same again. The four of them have been permanently changed by circumstances the past few years to the point that I don’t know who any of them are anymore. To talk to them would be like talking to strangers. It’s sad but it’s true. They don’t see it but even my kids have commented on how different they all are. Kids don’t lie, they are so observant.

It has taken me a lot of years of self-doubt and unsure feelings to get to this point, where I no longer question things–question myself— and I feel completely content with the course my life is on. What is different? I have a new business which is giving me a great deal of fulfillment and hopefully within the year I will begin to make some good money and continue to get more projects to work on; I’ve been writing a book for about a year and have it nearly half done. Plus, I have the best friend–companion, so to speak–that I have been looking for all my life (I don’t need a man to make me feel whole, besides my relationship with my husband is complicated enough) and she and I have a great deal in common, and I finally–FINALLY have one person I can tell anything to and confide in and trust that she will keep it between us, and she is there for me like no one ever has been–she even does my grocery shopping for me and doesn’t expect the tiniest thing in return; my kids are amazing, all three of them have learned how to be more independent when it comes to getting their homework and chores done each day and help out around the house; the rate I’m on with weaning myself down off methadone I will be completely off or at least at a very, very low amount and stay at that level so that I’m stable and can continue on my fantastic path of no longer needing pills yet being completely high-functioning. I am extremely surprised how well my body has handled the rate I’ve decreased my dose, even the higher-ups at the clinic advised against it, but I am taking less than half what I was in January and I feel just as good if not better.

What have I done different? There have been a couple of things I have integrated into my life and these things have made an amazing and positive impact on my daily life. The first thing is, I have changed my attitude. Well actually, I’ve always had a pretty good attitude until about five years ago when things started to go downhill for me. When that happened, I became very, VERY negative. I could not see any good in the world or in life. When you have a negative attitude like that, things are going to be pretty shitty! I stopped thinking the worst of every situation and I started giving people the benefit of the doubt. That made such an awesome difference that I can’t even express enough just how much. The other thing I integrated into my life is what’s called EFT Therapy–Emotional Freedom Therapy. I was introduced to this by my counselor, and I will be blogging about this in detail real soon in a future post, because EFT changed my life. EFT is based on the principle of positive affirmations and what’s called “tapping”. Tapping is a milder and less intrusive way of doing acupuncture, basically. With EFT you can get rid of a variety of negative symptoms in minutes, and I kid you not it really does work. I was doing EFT several times a day at the beginning, then I did it every couple of days as needed. But I am now free from the episodes of severe debilitating depression, and my anxiety is controlled {with EFT} at a tolerable level without the use of any anxiety medications whatsoever.

Here’s the main point here: Everyone goes through alot of shit in life, some more than others, and people can tell you “it will get better” until they are blue in the face but the bottom line is you have to figure it out for yourself–every little effort made to improve yourself makes a big difference, and the more you continue to make little improvements not only in yourself but in your circumstances (job, hobbies, people you associate with, even diet!) the more you will begin to see how much it makes a positive impact in your life. If someone had told me two years ago–at the very worse time of my life–that in two years not only would things be better but they would be better than ever, I would have told them to fuck off and stop messing with me. But here I am, living proof that even when your life is unbearably unhappy and you feel like giving up, things are bound to get better and although there’s work involved, the biggest component is attitude. I never realized how much having a positive attitude can make a difference in your life. Try it! For one day, try this: every time you get annoyed or want to roll your eyes or you feel your anger flare up, do something positive like hug someone, or smile, or say something nice about something or someone in the room. Having a positive attitude can really be the difference between misery and complete happiness. So take a deep breath and relax, smile, and think positive thoughts…your life will thank you for it! 😀

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