A Little (Lot) Less Than Perfect…

Think about something for a moment…if you are married it wont be as difficult for you; how do two people go from being madly in love with one another to completely despising one another? The beginning of the end for us was five years ago–early winter of 2008–when I fell while working as the General Manager of the restaurant I own with my {kids’ father}. I severely fractured my tailbone but, more than that , when they did an MRI of my entire back, they discovered that I have eight bulging discs in my back, and even worse than that is the advanced degenerative disc disease. My doctor told me I would probably need pain medicine for the rest of my life. Little did I know what the next few years of my life would be like.

And so that’s the boring story of how my addiction problem was discovered–because before that happened, I hadn’t done any drugs in my life. Yet I obtained a prescription for 60, then 120, then 180 OxyContin every month, and I didn’t even ask for them. Within just three months time, I was being given 240mg to take each day. To give you an idea how incredibly strong OxyContin is, one
40 mg pill is equivalent to approximately ten Norco, the 10mg ones. I was prescribed 240mg per day. That’s approximately 60 Norco. Not to mention the person who I spoke to who told me the equivalency of OxyContin to Norco also said that it’s impossible to equate the two because, like she said–OxyContin is in a class all it’s own

Yet here I sit, without my children, without by husband, in a room, with my dog–all alone–feeling completely like my life was robbed from me but not really too sure when it all started, exactly. And as I sit here thinking back over the last five years, I’m certain that the Family Doctor who prescribed me those damn OxyContin sealed my fate the day she decided to give me the maximum daily dose of OxyContin–the most addictive prescription drug on the market. Family Doctor. Family. Does she even realize the damage she caused just by writing that God damned prescription? Because like I said, I hadn’t been a drug user up to that point. Don’t Doctors know the damage those painkillers cause in relationships, in families? Because OxyContin was just a gateway drug for me, as it turns out. Little did I know at the time. But I allowed myself to sell out to a damn pill. I lost my husband during that period and several times since. Apparently those little things–those soul-suckers– have more power than you could ever imagine…

Because here I am, alone and wishing I could go back to 2008. I would give up everything I have, every cent I ever made, and I would work for the rest of my life to pay off any debt incurred if I could just go back to 2008 and do things differently. My best friend was prescribed some pain pills less than a year ago and I was so worried about them ruining her life that I annoyed the crap out of her with lectures about what they do; but come to find out, she isn’t an addict like me, she is able to take them as prescribed.

So the question now becomes, why me? Why did I have to be the one who was chosen to be the manager of that family restaurant (that failed , no less) or the one with an unmanageable addiction problem–who was given the one Doctor in Elk Grove who is so easily manipulated by a patient–who had never prescribed the horrible awful pills that ruined my life, my marriage, my family? The Doctor who, even after me literally begging her to get me off these pills, said that she “didn’t have any expertise in that area”….were her exact words. I have heard people say in the past that drugs (prescription or not) ruined their families–and I could never understand how a person could let that happen…yet here I sit….alone, in a room…without my family, wishing to hell that I could have one chance to go back and do things differently….

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