Reality Check

Life reared its ugly head at me this past week, turning around and coyly winking at me with a snarky grin, but not before rolling it’s eyes at me, almost pathetically chuckling right in my face, as if blatantly  to give me some kind of wake up call. Yep. That’s exactly what it was. A wake up call that I, a 42 year old woman, hadn’t yet realized.

I live in a fairy tale world. 

That is certainly nothing to be proud of. How, you ask, did I come to such a conclusion? Well, it’s simple. Stupid and simple. I have known since the day I moved into my apartment that I would have to move out by the end of September. I knew the time was coming. I thought about it at least once every single day. Yet I hadn’t done all of the things I needed to in order to be set to move. True, there were circumstances which were out of my control. Such as the State of Colorado Department of Motor Vehicles.

I have been in the DMV office at least 15 times in 2 years. I have produced for them just about every document known to man in order to prove my identity in order to get an identification card, and in order to get an ID card for the first time in this State, you have to eat through your left leg and possibly half of your right one. They have a department called exceptions processing, it’s for people who don’t have the documents they need in order to prove their identity to get their ID card or driver’s license. You have to provide at least one document from each of four different categories of documents. For example, you have to provide a document to prove your date of birth, one to show your social security number, one to prove your name, and one to prove your address here in Colorado. You cannot use a document more than one time so for instance, you could use your birth certificate to prove your date of birth and to prove your name, but you can only use a document one time which puts you in a position of having to come up with another document for that category that you probably have never even had before such as a passport.

I have gone so far as to contact the Stateline, Nevada Casino in which I married my soon to be ex-husband in 1997. They said it didn’t adequately “fulfill the requirement for proof of name change” . Really mother fuckers. You specifically told me to get that document. Oh I see, now you’re saying that I need to change my married name back to my maiden name and just use my birth certificate, rather than having to prove how I changed my name. Got it. You all are crazy.

I did, however, get a job. They are patiently waiting for me to get my ID card. I can start the day I get my ID card. Which brings me to how I live in a fairytale world.

First of all, I’m a very positive person. I always try to think the best in every situation and about everyone I meet, regardless of what’s happened to me in the past. In some way I suppose I just believe that something’s going to come along and save the day. That my Prince Charming is always just right around the corner, waiting to come rescue me. Because it’s always happened that way for me, and I guess it spoiled me. Everybody always seems to say, “Oh things will work out” or “Oh I’m sure things will get better soon”. Well I came to literally believe that in every situation. Not to mention, I was in an abusive marriage for a very long time and I got used to him always controlling everything and making all the decisions and taking care of everything. Which led to me sitting back and letting someone else fix everything. It definitely made me realize how much my husband was really not as bad as I thought he was; in fact I would even to so far as to say he was a good husband.

So here I sit. Struggling with uncertainty, frustration and more anxiety than I have ever had in my life, as I scramble to figure out where I’m going to live and how I’m going to eat until I get my ID card.

Reality bites, but hopefully I remember this feeling I have in my stomach at this very moment, and learn from it. But the Princess usually waits in the castle for her Prince, and that’s undoubtedly what I will do. Guess I can’t complain, I like me how I am.

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Life Does That Sometimes…

Life is a funny thing, isn’t it? It works in mysterious ways at times. It never fails, life has a way of testing us – of testing our strength and agility. Life gives us these little glimpses into what our life could be like, and for a short while we have everything we want and need, it seems; sometimes these glimpses get ripped away from us, leaving us feeling empty and grieving what could have been but never had a chance. There is one word that adequately describes the disappointment of someone walking into our lives and touching it in such a profound and meaningful way that we wonder how we ever lived life for one day without this person, and that is bittersweet. While the pain of this loss is unbearable, we know there must be a deeper purpose of our having met and while we may not know that purpose for years to come, we are certainly better for having known them.

I met a beautiful man this past week who was, for lack of a better way to put it, the male version of me. We are literally just alike in every conceivable way. The only thing about us which could be considered even remotely negative:  he’s a Pisces while I’m a Gemini, two theoretically ill-suited signs. I definitely don’t believe that however (plus I still need a second opinion 🙂 We are both very passionate, expressive individuals; what we feel, like or care about, we do so wholeheartedly. We wear our hearts on our sleeve and are incredibly sensitive at times, for which we have poor, unhealthy coping skills. We are both highly impulsive, and impulsivity is rarely a good quality to possess. We both absolutely love sex and are (equally) very adventurous and freaky. We’ve been looking for our one true love, soulmate, best friend and partner in crime for as long as we can remember, but just haven’t found that person. We have mistaken the wrong iindividuals who said the right things as being who we wanted, only to realize we were wrong, yet again. We both are very spiritual and place high value on living our lives by a certain set of core principles which we try to incorporate into our daily lives as much as humanly possible. We both are incredibly in touch with ourselves, particularly for how much of a mess our lives are presently. We both always try to see the beauty in the world, to take time to experience that beauty, and never take that beauty for granted – though we take plenty of other things for granted. We know our mistakes, we know we are fucked up people in a lot of ways and that our choices have put us in the predicament we are in, we have no problem admitting that to anyone who asks or takes an interest in us – most of all we have no problem admitting it to ourselves. We are very trusting but even more accepting and nonjudgmental, so much so that it’s a fault – we learn from our mistakes in relationships and friendships but find it difficult to apply the lessons to future relations with people in our lives.

As for love? Love is almost like an enigma to us; we know it exists but for each of us, it exists either on a superficial level or doesn’t exist at all. We always get hurt in relationships and never receive the respect, love, understanding, compassion or acceptance that we deserve. Psychological abuse is a central theme in our relationships and we can’t seem to escape it. We know what we want in a partner but have never been able to find that exact person. When we met, we both somehow knew the other was that person we had been searching all our lives for. Being ill-fated dreamers (otherwise known as a hopeless romantic) makes us quite optimistic, sometimes overly and inappropriately so, where the possibility of love is concerned. All of these qualities led to our trusting the deep and intense feelings we had somewhere inside the core of our being.

It would have been wildly fantastic, successful even, had one major roadblock been removed from the equation entirely: addiction. We are both addicts. We are extreme addicts, actually, meaning when we do something, we do it to the absolute extreme. We push our use to the absolute limits of drug abuse and don’t let anything get in our way. We are often times careless, thoughtless, and irresponsible. While we do care about the people we hurt in the process of our addiction, we make choices not based on what is best for those around us but, what is best for ourselves. We also believe our lives are exactly as they were meant to be presently, that the many trials we are constantly facing have made us stronger and better people, and that our family and friends fail to understand us or even try to understand us for that matter, which has ultimately pushed us away and fostered further poor decision making.

Collectively, he and I are a match made in heaven. I thought I had finally met my one and only. It didn’t matter that our liaison happened so fast nor did it matter that neither of us is in a good situation at the moment. We felt what we felt and we had faith in it. We didn’t want that feeling to end. Who would? Being an ill-fated dreamer actually keeps us happy even though it is a fleeting happiness and we deeply morning the loss of what we thought our lives would be like. We are who we are and we can’t change it, nor would we want to necessarily. We simply continue on this journey hoping to find that lifelong partner we so desperately desire.

Except this is different. I do not want to move on, having only experienced this amazing person for an insignificant period of time. I know my life as well as his life, would be incredibly better because we would be able to put our strengths together and be stronger than ever. Isn’t that what love is all about? I simply yearn for this man and I’m struggling to be okay with his only being temporary. Sure we have our individual problems which right now have effects on our relationship as a whole. But I’m willing to do what I have to do, to make this happen, and to allow this to be successful. I’m not sure this will happen or is even possible, but I will patiently wait in hopes that we get a proper chance to happen.

Thanks for reading!