FML

Things are pretty tough at my house right now. Without going in to detail, let me just point out that there is nothing worse than living with a spouse with whom you are enthralled in a divorce, and the only way you can leave is once you find a job and can afford your own place.

And your kids have to be right smack in the middle of nasty drama. I never had a temper until I married this man. We just know how to push each other’s buttons perfectly but, he pushes mine so well I lose my cool these days so quickly, so easily I’m ashamed but he makes me so angry I can’t control it. Featured Image -- 3260

 

I don’t know how I’m going to survive until this is over, but I am trying to be strong.

He makes damn sure each day is more miserable than the one before, and he treats me shittier every day than he did day previous. Who can survive a life like that? Someone help me!

Why I Believe The Divorce Rate in this Country is Much Too High

I was in a marriage for almost 15 years before getting legally separated. But no one can say we didn’t stick by one another trying our damnedest to work on our marriage. We both took our vows more serious than most people, and we believed we’d be together forever. Unfortunately when I injured my back pretty severely (then also had three MRIs done, all showing four different problems with my back) while working at our Sports Bar & Grill, which we owned and I managed every single day, they put me on Nwork, then switched to Oxycontin, and even though I decided to quit on my own, after three months of begging my Physician for help to wean down off the opiate pain killers, I was told to do it alone; he couldn’t deal with how out of control my behavior and my relationship specifically with him was becoming, so he moved out, leaving me to deal with getting off of horrible narcotic pain killers while also caring for my three children. Considering the way our relationship went from that point on, I believe we were completely making the right decision regarding separating. But I loved him so much at one time and we had a great marriage. I love his two daughters, nearly my age, and the seven grandkids they gave us.

I, however, am now in a new relationship, for over a year now ~ with a female ~ and we have had problems BUT we never brush things under the rug, we always talk about it, and each week we work on one new thing to change about ourselves at the other’s request. To make a long story short, we have excellent communication, and when one of us does something wrong, never..ever…we sit and calmly talk about it. No yelling. No bringing up the past. No throwing past mistakes in the other’s face. I know if we continue to care enough about our relationship to make changes in ourselves, we will never get tired of or resentful about things unsaid. There are no things unsaid between me and my new love and life partner.

A young lady I know, who met the man of her dreams and married him within seven months, they had a baby together giving them 5 kids between them, and are now having problems. She kicked him out of the house recently for a few days, but he came back. They still fight and bicker daily.

I wrote a letter to the young lady and told her they had to at least try marital counseling plus both go individually to a therapist.

So many young people in this country get married without really knowing what love is, so when they move in together after the marriage, they learn things about the other party they don’t like or are irritated by. Ever heard the phrase “don’t sweat the small stuff”? If a marriage is under ten years old, and a divorce results, the couple has not properly or effectively communicated about the things they don’t like about the other party, things they say and do, how they parent the children; if they have any resentments toward the other party and it doesn’t get resolved, of course a divorce is imminent. Sitting down and talking about the marriage and each sharing openly with the other about resentments which may have built up, causing one or both parties to either fall out of love with their spouse or not want to continue brushing things under the rug.

A successful marriage is full of constant, patient and loving communication about everything that happens all the time. Doing this keeps your marriage alive and I have realized, makes you fall in love with the person over and over every day.

That’s what a healthy, positive and mutually respectable marriage includes. If you can’t get your spouse to talk to you about the issues, which start off small but then get bigger as the resentment grows, your marriage is destined to fail.

Marriage takes a lot of daily work, and you can’t ever give up on that. Thick and then. For better or worse. Til death do us part. Those are real vows and if they don’t mean to you what they mean to couples who constantly are willing to work on the marriage, as well as themselves individually, divorce is the most common ending for those who fail to take a step back and look not only at their spouse, but also at themselves.

Remember the reasons you fell in love with the other party every day, and everyday, take twenty minutes out of your day to do something special for your spouse, let them know they are loved and appreciated every day.

That’s how you keep a marriage going strong for many years. Give it a try…you’ll see what effect doing those small things will have on your stagnant marriage. I have the best relationship now, simply because of our amazing communication skills and ability to take criticism. Try it…you’ll see…

Blogs: Are They An Invasion of Privacy?

There is an ongoing debate and, shall I say, “Marital Feud”, between my estranged husband and myself which deeply disturbs me but, moreover, frustrates me to no end. I would like to know what others feel about this. Am I really wrong?

He believes that I have sickeningly invaded his right to privacy and also that I have “destroyed the sanctity of marriage” by posting blogs which detail specific experiences in our marriage since I started this blog last spring. There have been very few posts which have been specifically about him, but there were two in particular which really chapped his hide and he bullied me in to removing them: one was about his expectation when we married that I change football teams as a fan of my family’s San Francisco 49ers preference to his Oakland Raiders. He was enraged when I described his goading of my favorite team for the duration of our marriage and made him look like a huge prick, which wasn’t my intention at all. The other problematic blog post which I eventually deleted was about his treatment of me one Saturday last July when I missed methadone dosing two days in a row, leading to my legs becoming numb and rendering me unable to walk.

He was so upset over these posts that he begged his entire extended family to boycott me by blocking me on Facebook. Isnt that reaction of his-turning his entire family against me- just as damaging to me, if not more damaging, than my posting of blogs which he felt invaded his privacy?

I explained to him..or at least I tried to, that my blog has no followers from either of our families. I will admit, however, that I had forgotten my blog posted to Facebook, Twitter and LinkedIn as well, which I didnt really think much of since I never have comments or feedback from any of my 500+ Facebook friends, 70 Twitter followers or 89 LinkedIn connections. I have since removed my blog’s connection to all popular social media sites. That seemed like a fair solution. Not that I should stop posting on MY blog as I see fit, when I see fit, however.

Am I being selfish? That was never my intention, as I always felt I was blogging to complete strangers and really, who cares what strangers know about me, or about my life, right?

A Little (Lot) Less Than Perfect…

Think about something for a moment…if you are married it wont be as difficult for you; how do two people go from being madly in love with one another to completely despising one another? The beginning of the end for us was five years ago–early winter of 2008–when I fell while working as the General Manager of the restaurant I own with my {kids’ father}. I severely fractured my tailbone but, more than that , when they did an MRI of my entire back, they discovered that I have eight bulging discs in my back, and even worse than that is the advanced degenerative disc disease. My doctor told me I would probably need pain medicine for the rest of my life. Little did I know what the next few years of my life would be like.

And so that’s the boring story of how my addiction problem was discovered–because before that happened, I hadn’t done any drugs in my life. Yet I obtained a prescription for 60, then 120, then 180 OxyContin every month, and I didn’t even ask for them. Within just three months time, I was being given 240mg to take each day. To give you an idea how incredibly strong OxyContin is, one
40 mg pill is equivalent to approximately ten Norco, the 10mg ones. I was prescribed 240mg per day. That’s approximately 60 Norco. Not to mention the person who I spoke to who told me the equivalency of OxyContin to Norco also said that it’s impossible to equate the two because, like she said–OxyContin is in a class all it’s own

Yet here I sit, without my children, without by husband, in a room, with my dog–all alone–feeling completely like my life was robbed from me but not really too sure when it all started, exactly. And as I sit here thinking back over the last five years, I’m certain that the Family Doctor who prescribed me those damn OxyContin sealed my fate the day she decided to give me the maximum daily dose of OxyContin–the most addictive prescription drug on the market. Family Doctor. Family. Does she even realize the damage she caused just by writing that God damned prescription? Because like I said, I hadn’t been a drug user up to that point. Don’t Doctors know the damage those painkillers cause in relationships, in families? Because OxyContin was just a gateway drug for me, as it turns out. Little did I know at the time. But I allowed myself to sell out to a damn pill. I lost my husband during that period and several times since. Apparently those little things–those soul-suckers– have more power than you could ever imagine…

Because here I am, alone and wishing I could go back to 2008. I would give up everything I have, every cent I ever made, and I would work for the rest of my life to pay off any debt incurred if I could just go back to 2008 and do things differently. My best friend was prescribed some pain pills less than a year ago and I was so worried about them ruining her life that I annoyed the crap out of her with lectures about what they do; but come to find out, she isn’t an addict like me, she is able to take them as prescribed.

So the question now becomes, why me? Why did I have to be the one who was chosen to be the manager of that family restaurant (that failed , no less) or the one with an unmanageable addiction problem–who was given the one Doctor in Elk Grove who is so easily manipulated by a patient–who had never prescribed the horrible awful pills that ruined my life, my marriage, my family? The Doctor who, even after me literally begging her to get me off these pills, said that she “didn’t have any expertise in that area”….were her exact words. I have heard people say in the past that drugs (prescription or not) ruined their families–and I could never understand how a person could let that happen…yet here I sit….alone, in a room…without my family, wishing to hell that I could have one chance to go back and do things differently….