FML

Things are pretty tough at my house right now. Without going in to detail, let me just point out that there is nothing worse than living with a spouse with whom you are enthralled in a divorce, and the only way you can leave is once you find a job and can afford your own place.

And your kids have to be right smack in the middle of nasty drama. I never had a temper until I married this man. We just know how to push each other’s buttons perfectly but, he pushes mine so well I lose my cool these days so quickly, so easily I’m ashamed but he makes me so angry I can’t control it. Featured Image -- 3260

 

I don’t know how I’m going to survive until this is over, but I am trying to be strong.

He makes damn sure each day is more miserable than the one before, and he treats me shittier every day than he did day previous. Who can survive a life like that? Someone help me!

Quote

This Too Shall Pass…

xThis Too Shall Pass...

I know it’s very difficult to believe that–that this too shall pass… when you are going through something traumatic or are experiencing something that feels as though it will never get better. I know that feeling. I’m the Master of having things wrong happen in my life. I have gotten through more crap the last five years than you could fathom happening to one person in five years…so if I can get through it, I’m certain beyond a reasonable doubt that you can get through it. Don’t give up, and keep your head held high–don’t let anyone know you have no idea what you’re doing or that you are terrified about how things will turn out. Just go with it and let things happen as they are meant to happen. It will all work out, I promise you!

Thank you for reading…please take a moment and participate in a brief PollDaddy poll about your feelings about the phrase/quote, “This too shall pass…”:

The First Day of the Rest of his Life…

010912211451The time has come…I have to open up my big Mama wings enough to release one of my birdies, so he can fly away from the rest. He has come to a point in his adult life, just three months shy of 19 years of age. He wants to break free from Mama’s grip, from Mama’s very loving, protective, and safe, nest. The only way to truly make the transition from a teenage boy to man is for the young man to leave the nest and fly away to a nest either within the vicinity of the nest which he lived in his whole life, in the Sacramento area of California, or perhaps a nest far, far away, in a town which has a climate completely different than what us Californians are accustomed to, such as in Dent, Minnesota, which is where his best friend in the world lives with his father and stepmom, who I just adore and love her so much that I wouldn’t even be upset (very) if they called her Mom. My goodness, this wonderful, handsome, caring 18 year old may be the oldest of my three children, but he will always be my baby, as are his sister and brother. ** PAUSE– THOUGHT: The very fact that I referred to him as my baby could very well be the reason he wants to get out of dodge before I start doing other things to embarrass him. Hmmm… maybe I need to take a good look at ME!
The thought of my oldest baby birdie leaving the nest and going so far away, to live in someone else’s nest in Minnesota, didn’t sit well with me at first. His best friend, with whom he attended Nevada Union High School moved to Minnesota to be with his Dad when his Mom was having a difficult time in her life. His Dad is married to a very nice lady, his best friend told him, and she has three kids, two which live with them. I got her phone number from my son and decided to call her and in a roundabout way, tell her to step off. This is MY son. Don’t make me come over there and teach yous a lesson!

Phone’s ringing and I am fighting mad, ready to just pounce right on top of her (in my mind of course) and I’m deciding exactly what I want to say before she answers, then I hear this darling, precious sounding voice say, “..Hello?” I said, “Hi can I please speak to Heather?” I didn’t realize Heather had a young daughter, I was thinking… then she says, “This is Heather!” The anger and jealousy immediately disappeared from my mind and I said, “Oh my gosh hi Heather! This is Jen, Kodey’s Mom…!!” She immediately perked up as well and immediately said, “Hi Jen! It is so nice to finally talk to you, Kodey has told me so many wonderful things about you!” To which I immediately felt like the world’s biggest jerk for even entertaining the thought of calling this precious woman and in any way, shape, or form being mad at her.

We talked for nearly three full hours.

We hung up, and somehow “Love you!” came out. Wow, I have an amazing new friend.

But my son is still leaving and I can’t let that happen. I start to feel a little panicky and my chest feels tight. I try telling him I forbid him to leave.

Then I remember. I have to be the parent here. I have to show Kodey that I can be more supportive than he has ever seen, and that what he is doing is fully what I expected him to do. Otherwise, he will rebel and either stay out there longer, or worse…never want to come back. I have always been supportive of him. At 17 he smoked pot for the first time, LIKED IT, and felt comfortable enough to share that with me. I was jumping up and down inside, thinking I SUCCEEDED! I properly instilled in my son the concept of being able to tell Mom anything without fear of reprimand, disappointment, guilt, shame, anything negative at all.  I was supportive of him when he made the decision to leave high school in the middle of the second quarter. I have learned that I cannot tell him not to do things. I have to let him figure out the consequences of making poor decisions, no matter how poor they are.  He will either love it in Minnesota, or he will hate it. 007

He leaves in less than two weeks. My little boy. I can’t believe this is really happening. And he is mad at me right now, and hasn’t spoken to me in a week because of something he “thinks” happened but never even had the decency to ask me about. He has a bad habit of making assumptions. But, he will get out to Minnesota, start missing me, and realize that he made a mistake, and he will have to figure out how to rectify it.

Life is difficult sometimes, but the number one lesson I have learned is that when you make mistakes, you have to own them, admit them to the people who need to hear you take responsibility for them, and then you have to move forward. You learn from your mistakes. Without our mistakes we would never grow and change. I look forward to hearing about my son’s adventures in Minnesota. I have to learn to live life without seeing one of my children every day, every week, or sadly, even every month. But I have to know in my heart that he is happy and that is most important to me. I want my son to be happy. I just hope that he remembers how much his Mama loves him, even if he leaves still mad at me. I’m his Mama, and will always be his Mama no matter what.

Goodbye, son….

I Know I Can, & I Will….

I realize there has been a major pause in posts the last two weeks, I have experienced the most difficult hurdle–no, more like monumental setback–in my life and it has been quite a struggle even knowing if I wanted to try to make it through this (I’m embarrassed to even admit that) but I had something very positive happen last night which made me realize I have to put myself into overdrive and do whatever is necessary to pull myself up out of the major life crap I got myself in to…there is no way that I’m going to let myself give up anywhere in the near future because I have three amazing and wonderful reasons why I have to face the bad decision I made and work as hard as necessary to prove myself a worthy and necessary person in this world and able to make not only everything right but better than it was before and to find the good in this really bad situation. I have never regretted anything in my life more than the path I allowed myself to take by making the string of decisions that I did for a short period of time there…but I can’t give up or throw my arms up in the air and say “well I messed up so that’s the end of me!” I would be crazy to do that, and that would be letting the situation be in control and get the better of me and that’s not me–I’m not going to let that happen–

I’m going to do whatever I have to do to make myself better because of all that’s happened the past twelve days and the doubters I know are out there can just….well they can just kiss my grits, and believe me that is me putting it nicely–I am not let the situation get me down, I am on a mission to turn everything around and to make myself an exceedingly better and more functional person than I ever have been before.

Just wait….you will see….

“Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson