Life Does That Sometimes…

Life is a funny thing, isn’t it? It works in mysterious ways at times. It never fails, life has a way of testing us – of testing our strength and agility. Life gives us these little glimpses into what our life could be like, and for a short while we have everything we want and need, it seems; sometimes these glimpses get ripped away from us, leaving us feeling empty and grieving what could have been but never had a chance. There is one word that adequately describes the disappointment of someone walking into our lives and touching it in such a profound and meaningful way that we wonder how we ever lived life for one day without this person, and that is bittersweet. While the pain of this loss is unbearable, we know there must be a deeper purpose of our having met and while we may not know that purpose for years to come, we are certainly better for having known them.

I met a beautiful man this past week who was, for lack of a better way to put it, the male version of me. We are literally just alike in every conceivable way. The only thing about us which could be considered even remotely negative:  he’s a Pisces while I’m a Gemini, two theoretically ill-suited signs. I definitely don’t believe that however (plus I still need a second opinion 🙂 We are both very passionate, expressive individuals; what we feel, like or care about, we do so wholeheartedly. We wear our hearts on our sleeve and are incredibly sensitive at times, for which we have poor, unhealthy coping skills. We are both highly impulsive, and impulsivity is rarely a good quality to possess. We both absolutely love sex and are (equally) very adventurous and freaky. We’ve been looking for our one true love, soulmate, best friend and partner in crime for as long as we can remember, but just haven’t found that person. We have mistaken the wrong iindividuals who said the right things as being who we wanted, only to realize we were wrong, yet again. We both are very spiritual and place high value on living our lives by a certain set of core principles which we try to incorporate into our daily lives as much as humanly possible. We both are incredibly in touch with ourselves, particularly for how much of a mess our lives are presently. We both always try to see the beauty in the world, to take time to experience that beauty, and never take that beauty for granted – though we take plenty of other things for granted. We know our mistakes, we know we are fucked up people in a lot of ways and that our choices have put us in the predicament we are in, we have no problem admitting that to anyone who asks or takes an interest in us – most of all we have no problem admitting it to ourselves. We are very trusting but even more accepting and nonjudgmental, so much so that it’s a fault – we learn from our mistakes in relationships and friendships but find it difficult to apply the lessons to future relations with people in our lives.

As for love? Love is almost like an enigma to us; we know it exists but for each of us, it exists either on a superficial level or doesn’t exist at all. We always get hurt in relationships and never receive the respect, love, understanding, compassion or acceptance that we deserve. Psychological abuse is a central theme in our relationships and we can’t seem to escape it. We know what we want in a partner but have never been able to find that exact person. When we met, we both somehow knew the other was that person we had been searching all our lives for. Being ill-fated dreamers (otherwise known as a hopeless romantic) makes us quite optimistic, sometimes overly and inappropriately so, where the possibility of love is concerned. All of these qualities led to our trusting the deep and intense feelings we had somewhere inside the core of our being.

It would have been wildly fantastic, successful even, had one major roadblock been removed from the equation entirely: addiction. We are both addicts. We are extreme addicts, actually, meaning when we do something, we do it to the absolute extreme. We push our use to the absolute limits of drug abuse and don’t let anything get in our way. We are often times careless, thoughtless, and irresponsible. While we do care about the people we hurt in the process of our addiction, we make choices not based on what is best for those around us but, what is best for ourselves. We also believe our lives are exactly as they were meant to be presently, that the many trials we are constantly facing have made us stronger and better people, and that our family and friends fail to understand us or even try to understand us for that matter, which has ultimately pushed us away and fostered further poor decision making.

Collectively, he and I are a match made in heaven. I thought I had finally met my one and only. It didn’t matter that our liaison happened so fast nor did it matter that neither of us is in a good situation at the moment. We felt what we felt and we had faith in it. We didn’t want that feeling to end. Who would? Being an ill-fated dreamer actually keeps us happy even though it is a fleeting happiness and we deeply morning the loss of what we thought our lives would be like. We are who we are and we can’t change it, nor would we want to necessarily. We simply continue on this journey hoping to find that lifelong partner we so desperately desire.

Except this is different. I do not want to move on, having only experienced this amazing person for an insignificant period of time. I know my life as well as his life, would be incredibly better because we would be able to put our strengths together and be stronger than ever. Isn’t that what love is all about? I simply yearn for this man and I’m struggling to be okay with his only being temporary. Sure we have our individual problems which right now have effects on our relationship as a whole. But I’m willing to do what I have to do, to make this happen, and to allow this to be successful. I’m not sure this will happen or is even possible, but I will patiently wait in hopes that we get a proper chance to happen.

Thanks for reading!

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FML

Things are pretty tough at my house right now. Without going in to detail, let me just point out that there is nothing worse than living with a spouse with whom you are enthralled in a divorce, and the only way you can leave is once you find a job and can afford your own place.

And your kids have to be right smack in the middle of nasty drama. I never had a temper until I married this man. We just know how to push each other’s buttons perfectly but, he pushes mine so well I lose my cool these days so quickly, so easily I’m ashamed but he makes me so angry I can’t control it. Featured Image -- 3260

 

I don’t know how I’m going to survive until this is over, but I am trying to be strong.

He makes damn sure each day is more miserable than the one before, and he treats me shittier every day than he did day previous. Who can survive a life like that? Someone help me!

Can’t Stand STuPiD, IGnORaNT PeopLE

It makes me sick when I write a post for my blog and shortly thereafter start getting messages/texts/phone calls asking me why I said this or that or what I meant by this or that. The thing that REALLY gets me, though, is when someone calls a member of my family or one of my long-time friends–obviously that someone is not the one who wrote the blog or anything associated with it, by the way–and is telling that person things I allegedly wrote which I know damn well I didn’t, nor did I write anything close to it. And they truly believe that I said the things they are saying.

You know there are some real busy-bodies in this world who love to cause drama, or to be in the center of where the drama is. Also lots of individuals who are fishing–you know, looking for something to hold against a person or to bitch about. Not to mention that people don’t have a very good memory if they can’t recall a very simple blog accurately. For example; someone says to one of my friends or family members a comment about my recent blog “about all of the constant conflict between the people in my house”. I did not say there is constant conflict. I said that I’m living with a group of interesting people and although there are sometimes issues which come up, we all have a pretty good friendship. I have all of my roommates on Facebook and I text with all of them as well. They are all nice people. 

If you’re going to read my blog posts, maybe you should take notes, perhaps prepare an outline of the entire blog and then every night before bed, study those notes. Then maybe you will be able to accurately recall what I wrote.

I have prepared a quiz on my blog for those of you who want to brush up…..lol

 

My Three Wishes…Something Money Could Never Buy

If I was given the opportunity to make three wishes–ANY THREE WISHES I WANT, I would be the happiest person in the world….I have thought about this many, many times and I can tell you with 100% certainty that my answer to that question would be exactly the same as it was 5 years ago when I said it, and then 3 years ago when I said it again, and even still as when I said it a year ago. And that’s because my wish is for something that money can’t buy and that no amount of wishful thinking can fix, and it breaks my heart having to say that but it’s the absolute truth. But, just for fun, if I had three wishes…

My first wish would be to go back in time to 2007 when my husband asked me to manage our restaurant we were preparing to open. Whereas I said yes before, I would most definitely say no now. I was set to start a job within a matter of weeks working for the California Department of Corrections as a Correctional Officer and I would have had the first 12 weeks of training at a training camp in Galt, California. If I had not chosen to let my husband bully me in to taking the job as General Manager of Buffalo Wings & Rings–the restaurant franchise we opened in 2008 along with my brother and his wife, Lori, and my Mom and Dad–I don’t think my family would have experienced all of the heartache and heartbreak and constant fighting that it did as a result of opening a family restaurant together and also of working together as a family. My brother was my Assistant Manager, but my Mom was supposed to be. Family should never go in to business together and they most certainly should never allow business to come between them. My brother and I had a lot of good times, don’t get me wrong–while we were doing well it was great, fantastic really. But when it was doing bad, well, my family couldn’t handle it. It was all about placing blame. I never imagined it would turn into a nightmare.

My second wish would be for the relationship between my stepdaughters and me to be mended so that we always got along and loved each other and accepted each other. There was a great deal of negative feelings like anger, jealousy, resentment, and judgment being made between us on each other. I fully expected the feelings to be there but not to continue for so many years. Nothing I did was ever right. We would have accepted one another just as we are from day one and the good, solid relationship we shared for the first ten years of our family being together would have continued and not turned in to the mess of a complete disaster that it now is.

My third and final wish would be to take my Grandson’s brain tumor away. He has had it since Easter of 2010 and it’s been a journey ever since. If I had a choice of when to take it away–I would take it away now, not before it ever formed, because I know that his Mama would say that it has made them a stronger family, and it has taught them so much. They would be happy to have it taken away 100% now.

My goodness just thinking about how different my life as well as my entire family’s lives would be in the event of these three wishes makes me feel a strangeness and awkwardness in my own skin I haven’t felt in a long time because its been so damn long since anything in my family has gone the way it should. My family has been torn apart–ravaged by the circumstances we have been given, and I would do absolutely anything in this world to make the three wishes happen for us. I would give my life to make that happen.

**New Blog For StepParents**

I decided to start a new blog about being a step-parent, it’s something I very much enjoy talking about because I love being a parent to my stepdaughters as much as I do my own children. I’m giving a little background of my step family before I start sharing stories of the chaos that I dealt with every day in my house for years. My two stepdaughters are both married with their own families and both live out of state–one’s in the Coast Guard and one’s husband found good work in Colorado.

I hope you will check out my blog and leave feedback, as well as subscribe:

EVIL STEPMONSTER CHRONCLES
http://evilstepmonsterchronicles.blogspot.com

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Saying Goodbye…

 The most difficult thing in the world is letting go of the people you truly love–the ones you love deep down so much, so hard–that it tears you up inside when the relationship is fraught with nothing but negativity and hurt. And no matter how much you try to change to make things better, it continues to be counterproductive. It doesn’t mean any one person is more at fault than the other…some relationships just aren’t mean to be.

 Sometimes the people you love don’t love you the way you need, or even know how you need to be loved. Sometimes, unfortunately, family or friend relationships are nothing but hurt-filled and poisonous. As difficult as it may be, the best decision you can come to is to let them know how much you love them, that you’re sorry for your contribution to the breaking down of the relationship, and that you feel it would be best to part ways–with no ill feelings. I wish it were that easy, to say goodbye with no ill feelings. I used to believe–and I told everyone this, I bragged about it to everyone I possibly could–that my family was everything in the whole world, my family was better than anyone else’s family could even dream of being. My family was up on such a special, special pedestal and no one could say anything in the whole world to make me believe anything other than that my giant pedestal was exactly where they belonged. My Mom and Dad, and my younger brother and me–we were THE perfect family. If ever there was a family that was gorgeous, sweet, close and fun it was the four of us… the four of us with our big blue eyes, my Dad–tall, thin, and handsome…my Mom–short, athletic, tan, and gorgeous like Jessica Rabbit, with beautiful dark brown hair with big curls falling at her shoulders and those eyes of hers…those eyes were the most pretty and alluring eyes you’ve ever seen; and my brother and me, he with his “toe head” and blue eyes and ultra tan skin…and me, long blonde hair and cute little pierced ears and the cutest little girl outfits and shoes you’ve ever seen. I wish I had a photo to post because I was always so proud of the “four of us”–until my brother and I got married it was “the four of us”. We were such a fabulous family. Goodness I miss that. I didn’t think anything could break the bond we shared.

I have made the decision to remember all of the good times, the beautiful memories we all shared. That is what’s most important. Those were the times I felt mattered in my relationship with my family. I needed my Mommy and Daddy at that time more than ever and they were always there, always always. There was nothing my parents wouldn’t do for us. They were the picture-perfect parents and I am so lucky to be able to say that I had a great childhood. People do change with time, with age, with circumstances… And people do, as sad and awful as it may be, become stuck in their stubborn, judgmental, negative thinking and no matter what anyone says or does to prove that thinking to be flawed, he or she decides to believe as they wish, and ignore everything that goes against those beliefs. Because so much happens to people in their lives they are influenced by circumstances, and people have two choices in life–two choices that really matter: you can choose not to allow circumstances to change you in a negative way and be positive and optimistic in every situation; or, you can choose to allow circumstances to negatively influence you and cause you to become pessimistic and negative about life. Sometimes the people who choose to be negative become resentful of things that happened in the past which may have hurt them in some way, and they can’t get past it. Even if they want to and try. It’s such a sad thing to happen; circumstances can’t be changed, but how we react to them can.  But not everyone is able to control how they react to circumstances. It takes great effort to be able to see the good in things, to see the positive in situations. The most amazing thing is being able to find the purpose in all things in life, even if its something horrible. Everything does happen for a reason, and the reason can sometimes be so simple that it’s easy to overlook. It would be ideal if all people could, at all times, focus on remaining positive so that everything in life that seems to be bad is really something deeper, something wonderful. For example, my best friend and I would never have gotten the chance to become friends if she hadn’t been pulled over and had circumstances occur which caused her vehicle to be impounded, which caused her to call me, a former acquaintance, and ever since the most amazing, positive, fun, deep friendship has developed and what seemed awful turned out to be for the best, even in her eyes. There is always something good that comes from every bad circumstance. It’s a matter of having an open heart and an open mind to be able to see it.

Saying goodbye is a very difficult thing, but sometimes it brings about real self-acceptance and the ability to forget the negative things which have hurt the relationship and to enjoy and preserve the great memories that are in your heart, and always will be. It’s impossible to accept yourself when there is someone always pointing out to you the mistakes you’ve made. It’s not only hurtful, it’s destructive. I so bad want to say that it’s an easy thing to do but it’s not. Although if you allow time to be on your side, you will come to accept that it’s time to let go and move on. Forget the past negatives and remember the good times…in your heart. Just don’t lose yourself or what’s important to you in the process.